World’s. Dumbest. Enemies.
“Our research shows that, while many Americans would like nothing more than to make sweeping, insensitive generalizations about these two individuals based purely on their ethnic identity, this process is largely impeded by the fact that 9 out of 10 Americans truly know next to nothing about Chechnya, including even the very barest details of what or where Chechnya is.” –The OnionChechnya! Of course! Chechnya wants America dead because they hate our freedoms, our shopping malls and our shiny perfect Jesus. Right? Because we have invaded their homeland and destroyed their culture with Burger King and Walmart and…um, wait, what? We haven’t? They don’t? The Boston bombers, while originally ethnic Chechens, were also full American citizens? And they acted alone? And they’re basically dumb as logs? Oh.
It’s all so… confusing. So frustrating. How are we supposed to handle this? Who are we supposed to hate upon? The idiot Tsarnaev brothers don’t fit our beloved terrorist stereotypes, do not play the role we wanted them to play. Damn them!
Sure they’re Muslims, sort of, but they aren’t your classic, scarf-wearing fundamentalist sociopaths we love to hate. Sure they’re would-be terrorists, sort of, but it appears they’re also exactly just as hapless, ignorant, dopey, unrealistic, muddled, amateurish, moronic, foolish, gullible and downright stupid as nearly all terrorists the world over. Sure they’re from a violent and war-torn region, mostly (though Chechnya is quite stable now), but it’s also a part of the world almost no one knows or cares anything about, and never really will.
How utterly… deflating. For a country like America that defines itself by its enemies, that must have them lest the hawks and warmongers of the right sigh themselves to sleep every night, we just don’t know where to turn, where to direct all our intolerance and bile. All we have is one skinny, naive-looking 19-year-old kid named Dzhokhar who’s lying in a hospital bed, riddled with bullets, barely alive, his throat torn out and his world surrounded by cops and ignominy and death, whispering that he has no clue what the hell is going on.
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