"My children are constantly fighting with each other," laments
Susan, a mother of three young children. "They bicker about the size of
their dinner portions. They argue over whose turn it is to do a chore.
They quarrel over who plays with which toy, and they fight over who is
smarter or friendlier.
"I'm tired of being a referee. It's almost impossible to find the
right compromise! And instead of improving with time, it just gets worse
as they get older.
"It's true that they each have very different personalities, but
shouldn't that help them to complement one another, rather than
constantly compete?" wonders Susan."Will there ever be peace in my
home?"
This week's Torah reading,
Yitro (Exodus 18-20), records the momentous event of the Jewish people camping at Mount Sinai and receiving the Torah.
"In the third month after the Exodus of the children of Israel from Egypt, they came to the desert of Sinai.and Israel encamped there opposite the mountain."1
The Midrash notes:
Everywhere else it is written, "they travelled.they
encamped" in the plural, meaning with dissenting opinions. Here,
however, it is written "and Israel encamped," in the singular form,
since all were equally of one heart.2
Although it is natural for a multitude of people to have dissenting
opinions, when the Jewish people arrived to receive the Torah they were
"as one man, with one heart."
According to the Chassidic masters, it's not just the specialty of the
place
(Mount Sinai) that created the conditions for this exceptional harmony,
but also of the time in which it occurred. It is significant that, as
the above verse points out, the Jewish people's encampment with "one
heart" took place during the
third month after the Exodus.
Indeed, the Talmud notes the predominance of the number "3" in
everything connected with the giving of "a threefold Torah, to a
threefold people, through a third-born on a third day in the third
month."
3
What is so special about the number three that the Torah, whose
purpose is to bring peace and unity to mankind, was given in this month?
And is there perhaps a psychological quality we can glean from this
number as parents in our efforts to foster greater harmony and peace
among our own children?
The giving of the Torah in the third month teaches us that Torah values diversity and individuality.
The number
one implies that there exists but a single reality. It suggests absolute conformity. The number
two indicates divisiveness and disparity, as in two opposing, rival approaches. The number
three, however, finds an underlying unity between disparate entities.
This aspect of three is understood by the statement of the sages
(Sifra, Intro) that when two biblical passages contradict each other,
the meaning can be determined by the third biblical text which
reconciles them both by finding the deeper, concealed harmony. On the
surface, the two verses may seem to disagree with one another. But then
the third one comes and resolves their disagreement, not by "taking
sides" and agreeing with one verse over the other, but by showing that
the two are actually in consonance.
As parents, we need to foster individuality and independence for the growth and happiness of our children.
Conflict may arise when we demand too much conformity. Do we hear ourselves saying, "The rules in this house are that
everyone
must strictly follow this routine"? Do we sketch out neat boxes of
expectations and traits that we assume our children will properly fit
into? What happens when a child doesn't comfortably fit? What if a child
isn't able to follow a set regimen, a firm schedule, or an inflexible
list of expectations?
The Torah wasn't given in the first month. The number one
suggests exactness and conformity. While the Torah expects law and
order, it still respects our individual natures and our creative
expressions. Recognizing and validating a child's uniqueness may help to
curtail some of the strife among siblings.
Conflict also arises between our children when they feel that they are being compared, or "pitted" against each other.
Do you hear yourself asking your child: "Why can't you be like your
sister, whose room is always so neat?" or "Why doesn't your brother ever
need to be reminded to do his chores?"
When children are weighed against each other with their qualities evaluated and judged, inevitably jealousy arises.
The Torah wasn't given in the second month of the year. The
number two is indicative of divisiveness, of two opposites without any
evident commonality between them. One of your children may be
particularly neat, while another might be highly creative. Contrasting
the two is not only unfair, it can be destructive.
On the other hand, when we appreciate our children's diversity and
show them how they can each use their uniqueness to work together
towards a common goal, we have provided them with invaluable tools for
life.
The Torah, whose purpose is peace, was given in the third month. The
message of three is the beauty of having a world full of endless
possibilities, nuances, talents and differences being brought into
harmony of the Divine goal of making our world a better one.
G-d created us--and each of our children--like a symphony, with many
different instruments contributing to Divine synchronization.
Obliterating the differences defeats the point, just as contrasting or
judging does.
Teach your child to appreciate himself for who he is--not in
comparison to another, nor in judgement against a set of expectations.
Help him not to see himself as lacking a certain quality, but rather to value the special qualities that he does have.
Show your child that working with the contributions of others doesn't
diminish from his own, but helps all of us to achieve a greater, common
good.
Our mission as parents is to utilize the power of three-to uncover
and actualize the special talents and contributions of all of our
children.
By Chana Weisberg
